Shades of I – Her quest for love

Her quest for love

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Shades of I

There is more to you than meets the I

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Shades of I

There is more to you than meets the I

© Her quest for love | All rights reserved.

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subijeganathan

(4/4) For so long impossible shades of darkness ha

(4/4) For so long impossible shades of darkness have blocked the essence of me. Because I was a child that walked between the veils of the world. Felt beyond what the human eye could see. Shifted between dimension and became all the frequencies the universe is made up of. But I didn’t understand and was afraid. I was told I was different, strange, while all I longed for was to belong, to not feel so.. alone. I locked it all up, melted away, blended in as best I could. I hid away from myself so deeply, that years later, when I realised a vital part of me was missing, I couldn’t find the way back.

But the light always knows how to find what is lost. It flows into forgotten chambers of my being and the journey of remembrance begins. As I moved through my healing journey (see last posts) and I opened to my limitlessness, my consciousness exploded. Just closing my eyes is enough these days to carry me into the quantum, into the spirit world, natural DMT coursing through my veins, bringing with it the most spectacular (medicine) journeys and visions. Remembering. Remembering. Remembering. I remember my gifts of storytelling and creating. I remember my magical gift of feeling, the gift of seeing, the gift of knowing. I remember the spirit guides that are with me always, but my eyes had forgotten to see. I remember the multidimensional soul moving within me, a being of pure light, that graced me with the honour of seeing it's grandest expression. I remember Source and the feeling of being everything and nothing, being death and infinity, being home. And from this place of light, of belonging, I remember why I am here on earth and what I came here to do. All the dreams my ego mind has created shatter and then rebuild around the deepest purpose I am here to live. Some dreams I have cherished for so long disappear in this shattering and I feel gladness and space at letting go off what is not fully aligned. Other dreams change, intensify and every cell of me vibrates with how these visions connect to all of existence. And as my heart opens even further, new magnificent dreams blast through me..

*Continued in comments

Healing 3/4. Flash forward a year. The blind fo

Healing 3/4.

Flash forward a year.

The blind folds are off. The walls around my mind have blasted away, stretching my field of awareness, challenging my perception of reality. Matrix, new earth, source consciousness, star seeds, multi dimensional light beings, quantum creation, blueprint activation.. and so many more concepts crash into me. Teachers present themselves in a continuous stream of enlightened wisdom and I deep dive into all the books, teachings, courses and medicine journeys.

For more than a decade I have been on a quest of self discovery. Longing to reconnect to my heart and soul and find my purpose. I cycled through phases of peace and growth, storms and shadows, but never reached the depths of my being, where the answers to my questions dwelled. But in the last months a monumental shift has taken place. The portal of transformation that opened up with Milo’s becoming, birthed not only him. But me too, as mothers across space and time, cradling their babies against their hearts from womb to arms, will attest to. Suddenly all I have struggled with all of my life makes sense. Suddenly I make so much sense. There is a word for this I discover, I am ‘awakening.'

But then FULL STOP. The pain moves with me. A soft whispering behind my movements some days. Harsh and loud, keeping me up at night, on others. A gifted healer who miraculously healed so many humans from their ailments, is going to be my salvation. I dedicate months to working with her, believing that surely she’d be able to heal me. As my awakening continues to knock on my door, the pain in my body becomes unattainable and my beautiful body screams, ‘I CAN”T HOLD ALL OF THIS ENERGY...'

I have a little lightbulb moment. This healer is not going to heal me. No one is going to heal me. For a minute I feel despair, ‘I can’t live my life like this.’ But the knowing is so strong and the only option is to follow what flows through me. I walk away from the path I am on and breathe into the unknown. I let go of it all, the quest for expansion and the journey of healing. I rest and trust the answers will come to me in time.

(*continued in comments)

Pain (2/4). 'I am dying. What if I never heal fro

Pain (2/4).

'I am dying. What if I never heal from this?' I look down at Milo, lying on my chest, barely one month old. He is thriving. But I am in pain. So much pain. For most of my third pregnancy, I suffered from severe pelvic floor instability. It got so bad I wasn’t able to walk much or even lie down to sleep at night. I had been longing to birth my boy so much, expecting relief after months of hurt, expecting to heal easily. The birth was as smooth as can be, but the after was nothing like the blissful recovery I had imagined. The agony in my pelvic floor remained, intensified and expanded to expressions I didn't even known were possible. On repeat, an avalanche of thoughts break through my mind, 'I am so angry. I am terrified. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.'

As it turns out, I’d take so much more, so much more of it. For four endless months I endured the torment raging through my body. I was in tears and fears all day, all hope of health and healing shattered. The medical world that I thought would guide me through this, waved me off. Putting it down to time and rest, ‘You gave birth to three children within 5 years, of course your body is struggling.’ Leaving me broken, devastated. I feel blessed my doula stepped in. She held me and my family through it all. But it would be a long road to recovery, because there was more to it than just a depleted body, fighting to recover.

From the moment I discovered Milo growing in my womb, I was anxious. I knew his coming heralded a momentous change. I thought this was because I had never imagined becoming a mother to three boys and the sheer newness of this dream, was rocking me to the core. But once I held him in my arms and my body continued her rocking, waves and tsunami’s of hurt exploding into my every breath, I knew I was going through an evolution of being, a transformation of life path, a time line shifting dramatically. My body was letting go of all I didn’t need on this new and unknown path. All I could do was hold on. Until one day I realised the pain was easing. Moments of silence graced my moments. Tentatively an ember of hope sparked, that ‘maybe some day, I’ll be ok again.'

What if...? 1/4) To the ones in pain. What if all

What if...? 1/4)

To the ones in pain. What if all you have been taught and told about healing your pain isn’t the complete truth? What if you could easily heal your body, your heart from pretty much anything you are enduring, almost everything you have lived through? What if this healing doesn’t need you to invest years, decades, but mere weeks, months? What if your body wants you to heal? That once you press the right buttons, your body will release the hurt and you will be truly free of pain for all the days of your glorious life?

To the ones on the path of evolution, on the path of purpose? What if there is a way to unlock even more of the essence of you? Not slowly over time, but going from where you are now to full power in a whirlwind of magic. And best of all what if you'd be able to hold all of this powerful energy in your body easily, freely, joyfully? What if the reason you are still searching, struggling, hurting, working through recurring cycles of shadows, gradually sinking deeper into your path as you grow, is because even though you have done so much healing already, the cells of your being are holding on to (hidden traces of) trauma, old programming, ancestral patterns, collective experiences, past life karma, blocking you from your grandest expression? What if I told you we are deeply programmed to believe that pain is part of the journey to enlightenment? What if I told you I am here to bust that myth and tell you there ancient practices, amplified by the energy of the new earth, that will clear all of this in a heartbeat, while unlocking YOU in unimaginable ways, surprising you with the heights you can evolve to?

What if the secret to healing and expansion is YOU. Yes, YOU. What if you are your own hero and saviour, your own healer and magician? What if it doesn’t matter who you are or where you came from? What if you are infinitely capable of healing and expanding YOU, just because you were created to do so.

What if loves, what if..? What do these words trigger in you? Disbelief, scepticism? Intrigue, curiosity?

What if I told you that I am a living embodiment of this seeming miracle?

Would you sit down with me and hear my story?

The artwork honouring the birth of my three sons s

The artwork honouring the birth of my three sons shatters. The shards bouncing on the floor, reflecting the autumn sun. Sparkling. Illuminating. I know she did this, to let me know she is here with me. Letting all of us know that there are more than three little humans in this house. Even though one is still invisible to the eye of most. For more than a year now she has been whispering in my heart. Letting me know she'll come to me when I am able to be a home for her bright soul. She told me she is manifesting as a She and shared with me the earthly name she has chosen for herself. I was in so much (physical) pain when I first felt her. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling strong enough (or willing for that matter) to carry another child. I had never dreamed of being a mother of three, let alone of four. But still I leaned into what the universe showed me was possible for my life. Even though my mind warred with this newly remembered gift of knowing, I softly replied ‘I’ll hold you when the time comes.’

I healed. I did courses, listened to teachers, worked with many healers, until I found the way beyond the (psychical, emotional and spiritual) pain. A story for another day. What I will say now is that I healed deeply, awoke completely and remembered my purpose clearly.

She knew I was ready for her, before I did.

A few weeks ago something divine flowed through me urging me to break through the exhaustion of the day and join with my love. The next day a vision came to me of her light nestling in my womb and I knew I was given the absolute magical honour of witnessing her exact moment of conception, weeks before a test would confirm her presence in my body. A vision of her birthing followed. Then one of her at four years old, all of us living a life so different from where we are at now. A life I have seen the path to, a future I am creating today.

I am on my way.

She is on her way.

Kester Storm will be landing in my arms in the summer of 2022.

Her dad is wondering if his tribe will fit in his car. Her brothers are besides themselves with joy (though the toddler might be a tad suspicious of all the baby talk). And I? I am in awe of her already.

Once upon a time this was my view. Guy & I chose t

Once upon a time this was my view. Guy & I chose this house at the start of our journey together. I absolutely adored living there. The sent of salt in the air. Barefoot walks on the beach. Leaves drifting on the wind, finding their way to my doorstep from the forests down the road. Days vibing at outdoor cafe’s. The forever laid-back mood of an ocean village, a deep sense of joy, lingering beyond the ups and downs of life. The bells of the tram clinging, as we rode the tracks searching for the buzz of the city, then hurrying back to our house near the sea to nourish our hearts. The sky was always tinged with something more. Deep blue sunrises and blazing red sunsets. Black clouds gathering over the ocean, the thundering sound of waves crashing on storm breakers. The mystery of sea fog rolling in. How it changes your present in the blink of an eye, cloaking everything in mists of dark cold, only to evaporate suddenly, shutting the door to that secret world you were just shown.

We shared the front door to our townhouse with two other tribes. On our floor a closet transformed into a makeshift bathroom, the ritual of cleansing resulting in flooding the entire space. The walls didn’t even try blocking out sounds, cold in winter or heat in summer and happily invited in rain and sand, when the winds blew just so. But the ceilings had no end and the house was filled with love.

Six years after that house became a memory, I open my heart to the land we will soon walk as our own. Guy, Ezra, Beau, Milo & I are limitlessly moving towards the home we have build in our dreams and drawn on paper. Our property will be a walk from the ocean, protected by forests, with an urban buzz near enough. Abundant space for our family home and a guesthouse, for you to set down your suitcase. I see an endless garden, surrounded by tall ancient trees. A community of free spirited humans living in the surrounding properties. Innumerable opportunities for the headquarters of @fellowsforthe.earth and Wild, just minutes away.

Drop me a line when you stumble on our property. I will show you our infinite gratitude by welcoming you as our first guest and celebrate the $&#%£ out of you.

Breathe. Slow down. If I blink one more time,

Breathe.
Slow down.
If I blink one more time, it will be gone.
Your first year with us. Almost one.

Soon you will be walking away from me, not tumbling into my arms.
Then running. Biking. Scooting. Driving. Flying into this life of yours.

My heart beats with pride watching you grow.
My heart floods with tears watching you go.
These heartstrings playing a bittersweet melody.

I am letting you go baby.
Grateful to have been your first home.
I am here baby.
Know I’ll be yours forever more.

Breathe.
Slow down.
You are one.

#motherhood #almostone #doulasupport #birth #sonofmine #notababyanymore

All the gems come to meeeeee ♡ #pyrite #titani

All the gems come to meeeeee ♡

#pyrite #titaniumauraquartz #desertrose #citrine #crystals #crystalhealing #naturesart #ichoose #abundance #andsparkle #librarisingafteral

A trip down memory lane. The old hood, with our ne

A trip down memory lane. The old hood, with our new boys. The Hague. You still feel like home. ♡

#foreverhome #beachlife #dunes #scheveningen #nederlandismooi #strand #wolken #clouds #memorylane #home #thuis

I wish my smile hid something revolutionary, like

I wish my smile hid something revolutionary, like da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. A painted virtual reality, before that became a thing. How her smile moves with your gaze, shifts with your movement. Art, science and illusion combining into a masterpiece that draws in humanity, without any of us understanding why we are enthralled by this teeny tiny canvas lady. Or maybe something mystic. A secret passage to a sacred world. A smile that holds an invocation, a vow, a promise. I wouldn't mind a spiritual vibe. A smile that stands for the depts of our being, the universe incarnate in the folds and curves of a woman’s lips. I'd even settle for some joy. A smile depicting a joyous moment, captured artfully by my lens.

It's none of that though. It's just awkwardness. It's me feeling uncomfortable being in the spotlight. Feeling awkward being seen. I have no idea what to do. So I just stand still and smile. Thinking maybe no one will notice. ♡

I have put my body through hell and back. I have s

I have put my body through hell and back. I have starved her, overfed her, hurt her, shamed her, hid her, ridiculed her, rejected her. I didn’t take care of her. She expressed what raged on the inside by shapeshifting, transforming into everything between an extra small and an extra large. I saw her through eyes full of what we as a society are taught to think of as desirable, setting impossible standards for her. No matter how she looked, she was never good enough, never beautiful to my eyes. I never appreciated the magic that goes on in my body, for her to be able to carry me from one moment to the next.

.....

The gift of an ancient healing prayer, the ho’oponopono.

I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

I whispered these words to my body.
She told me she needs time.
She told me she needs grace.
She told me she needs love.
So I am giving it to her.
I trust her. She knows what she is doing.

….

Today, eight months into being a mother of three, my body is still healing, but most of the pain has gone. My heart is still healing, but most of the pain has gone. I look at my body and my blindfold is off, I truly see her for the first time. She shows the signs of life and creation. She is scarred. She is mother nature’s extraordinary masterpiece. She is enough. I am giving her space to become, to take the shape she longs for in this season of my life. Some days I do better than others, but I owe it to her and myself to keep trying. Because I might be more than she, but she holds all of me.

>>> full story, linkinbio ♡♡♡♡

[@amberdevreng created gorgeous custom art in honour of my moon children. I used the moons in the picture.]

For a long time I ached for this experience. Bein

For a long time I ached for this experience. Being part of life in a monastery, letting the Buddha’s teachings wash over me, adding to my journey of awakening, deepening my practice to still my mind. Hundreds of fellow humans share my longing and have found their way to this sanctuary. They are dressed in colourful wraps, knits and harem pants bought in the tourists markets of Kathmandu, hair tied up in bandana’s and feet sporting sand dusted sandals. Rainbow hippies and soulful yogis. They walk around with subdued, knowing smiles, nodding to each other in recognition, easily bonding. I don’t seem to have gotten the memo on attire and am strutting my stuff in comfy grey sweats and glitter havaianas. Among the devotees I am the only (chocolate coloured) Asian, floating in a sea of western tinted humans. An odd sight as I am currently in the heart of Asia. The monk sitting on the raised platform speaking the dharma this week, is or used to be American. The Tibetan monks keeping to themselves. As I go about my day I see flashes of their life. Washed red robes neatly pinned to lines, floating in the breeze, framed the dreamy blues and greens of the mountains surrounding us. Teenage monks, tying up their long robes around their waist so they can run on a basketball court, hollering at each other while playing the game. A small room overflowing with even younger holy ones, climbing over each other to see the tiny television, giggling in joy. The teeniest ones darting between the sunbathing soul searchers occupying the grounds. Kicking around a ball, until a solemn older monk walks over, glances at them and they run off to continue their antics where western eyes can’t follow. When the prayer bell rings, all the monks journey to the big hall at the heart of the monastery. Even the ones with barely four trips around the sun, race up and morph into serious students of the dharma when they pass the threshold, leaving their vivaciousness in the open air. They’ll ninja kick their way out and breathe it back in, when the doors open again. Because the doors close. The most sacred teachings only for those that pledge their life to being here.

♡Full story > Linkinbio ♡

From this. To that. And back again. #dutchsummer

From this. To that. And back again.

#dutchsummer #zomer #regen #schaduw #shadowplay #shadows #tinyfeet #myboys #mijnjongens #twooutofthree #mudmasters #puddles #plassenstampen #allthemess #letthembelittle #legtattoo

Fragments of a whole. A whole in fragments. ♡

Fragments of a whole. A whole in fragments. ♡

Man of the woods •○ He feels most alive in th

Man of the woods •○

He feels most alive in the midst of soaring mountains. Peaks rising into the sky, clouds cloaking them from sight. Snow and Ice. Sheer unforgiving rock face giving way to trees upon trees upon trees, becoming forests untouched by the ambitions of mankind. Here he resides. The man of the woods. Preferring the wilderness over the cultivated. Revelling in the whispering thunder of nature, running from the screaming silence of manmade jungles.

Come a little closer. Look, there he is. Peacefully breathing in and out, delighting in the crisp morning air. His hands rough from working with the earth, digging deep in the forest floor. You’ll see a serene inviting smile light up his face as you walk up to him. Once you get to know him, you’ll notice his tranquil emotions. Soon he’ll become the rock you always lean on, an unshakeable presence in your life. Taurus Rising. Taurus Moon. His Taurus soul pours out of him and his living peace becomes yours. So much so, you don’t even notice you are only standing at the edge of the woods of this man.

Would he allow you to move deeper into the forest, your world would become darker with every step, trees moving together and growing to impressive heights. Spruce, pine, ginkgo, baobab, palm, sequoia. Miscellaneous trees transform his woods into a place of myths, where wild critters and magical beings roam obscured by dark. This is not a place for the fainthearted. At this point most would call it a day and run back to where the days are brighter. To truly know him, you have to be brave and keep going. This Guy doesn’t have a choice. His essence is hidden in the mysterious darkest parts of the woods, where the trees leave sparse space in the thick canopy for the light to shine through. Solitary glittering rays of sunlight, becoming moving shadows as he goes. A raw place. A sacred place. A private space...

Full artwork, linkinbio.

Ageing is a curious journey. When I turned 20, the

Ageing is a curious journey. When I turned 20, there was rejoicing. A celebration of adulthood, the world is your oyster kind of thing. At 30 the mood started to change. The first mentions of ‘old age’ dropped from the sky. Questions like ‘how are you dealing with turning thirty?’ became a new normal. Fast forward a decade and I am getting apologies for being my age. In our society we are programmed to glorify youth. We spend millions trying to defy the laws of nature and hide away our ancestors in homes not their own. I hear myself cracking jokes about my old hips and realise the dept of the brainwash, because I actually love adding numbers to my years. Not because I care about growing older. But because I care about growing. Every trip around the sun, gives me more of something and deepens this human experience...

...When did I turn 38 though? I remember being a kid and writing people my parents age off as ancient. And now here I am. A parent my parents age. I remember running around town in my mid twenties, greeting the dawn more often than not, pausing to go to my job in between. I’d see forty something humans out and about, my minds eye cloaking them in silence, while delighting in my own vibrance. Nowadays I still chase first light, my sons sprinting ahead as they loudly welcome the new day. My life has done a full 180 and I know now there is nothing silent about this phase of living. The other day I was walking down the street and I came across a group of humans hanging out, instantly going into ‘check out mode’ like you do when you meet peers. Do you acknowledge each other or do you play it cool and walk by with your head held high? And then one of them said ‘hallo mevrouw’. Cue dramatic music. Reality crashed down hard. I saw a flash of myself reflected in a window. Streaks of white in my hair, scars of living on my body. One son hanging on my leg, a second one running off, my third baby in a pram. They are no longer my peers. I have become their ‘mevrouw’...

...Do we all have a forever age? An age we carry in our hearts frozen in time, even as our bodies are painted by our present? What is yours?

Linkinbio for full story.

I am reclining on a not so comfortable chair, whi

I am reclining on a not so comfortable chair, while being voluntarily stabbed with needles for minutes turning into hours turning into forever. Slowly black ink travels under my skin and morphs into beauty, as the paintings of my soul emerge from under the skilled hands of a master of the arts. There is no denying the pain. The exquisite pain of a tattoo coming into being. I listen to the buzz buzz buzz of the needles as every stroke transforms the pain of the journey that got me to this moment in time into glorious art. Every single one of my tattoos is a lesson learned, a story lived, forever part of my soul and now body.

Here’s a secret. Extraordinary pleasure hides beyond the pain. With every new tattoo, when the needle first pierces my skin I have a moment I can’t believe I am here again. My body remembers and tenses, hits its pain limit instantly and wants nothing more than to bolt. But moving will ruin the art, so I focus on sitting still. I close my eyes and remember to breathe. I need to find the zone. After awhile I do and the endorphins take over. My heartbeat slows, my body relaxes. When I open my eyes the world is different. She sparkles deeper, but seems further away at the same time....

....More hours than I can count pass. My skin is swollen and tender and I’m losing grip on my blissful state. The pain comes crashing in. I don’t know how much longer I can sit still. Then suddenly it’s done. The tattoo gun switches off and it feels like the lights come on with it. I’m sitting in a tattoo studio and my newest ink is carefully tended and wrapped up. I say my goodbyes and walk out the door. Those hours so meaningful, already part of my past. I feel like a new woman and as always with fresh art, for a few heartbeats I step into the world self consciously, feeling strong and vulnerable at the same time, my wild heart for the whole world to see. Once a tattoo is done I never look back. It instantly becomes part of who I am. A closing ceremony of sorts. A celebration of the end of an era, as I open up to what is to come.

It’s addictive this journey of drawing on the outside, what is living on the inside....

Full story&art on my website. Linkinbio ♡

Rising Libra. Virgo Moon in the 12th house. Leo Su

Rising Libra. Virgo Moon in the 12th house. Leo Sun in the 10th. Fragments of my whole. Details of the fabric of my being. Some have been companions for a long time, others are starting to find their way to the surface. My stars tell the story of me better than any personality test or theory of the psyche I came across in my past life as a psychologist. Those days are far behind me now. Glancing over my shoulder I can barely see the road that leads back. Looking ahead there isn’t much of a road to discern either. Yet. Crazy 2020 is rolling along and the stars have shifted as they do. Pulling me with them. I am setting out on my next journey, one that is new and uncomfortable to me. To embrace creativity and let it set the pace for my life is wholly out of my comfort zone. But I know that as I start walking, the zone that seems comforting now will be replaced by a new one and then a new one and then more new ones. ♡

On my way. Destination unknown. With my Virgo screaming in my head that I am no way near good enough, having all sorts of anxiety attacks at not being a master of whatever I am doing. My Libra is pretty happy with this exploration of the ways of the arts, but is preoccupied with the ascetics of my gram with this post. My Leo is blazing though, joyous and ecstatic to finally be heard. ♡

The age of the lion. May it be joyful. ♡

Summer. Such a vibe. But which one.. ♡ #summerv

Summer. Such a vibe. But which one.. ♡

#summervibes #summerlove #fortheloveofhearts #goodvibes #athome #becaus2020

'B is for Beau. E is for Ezra. M is for Milo. Ther

'B is for Beau. E is for Ezra. M is for Milo. There is the P!' Impressed I jump in with 'P for Papa!' With a sigh and (full on Aries) backward glance you correct me... 'P is for Penis.' #yesofcourse #youknowbest #twoyearsold #toddlersrock #raisingboys #boymama #myworkhereisdone #justherefortheride #unschooling #homeschooling

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