Shades of I – Her quest for love

Her quest for love

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Shades of I

There is more to you than meets the I

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Shades of I

There is more to you than meets the I

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herquestforlove

Once upon a time this was my view. Guy & I chose t

Once upon a time this was my view. Guy & I chose this house at the start of our journey together. I absolutely adored living there. The sent of salt in the air. Barefoot walks on the beach. Leaves drifting on the wind, finding their way to my doorstep from the forests down the road. Days vibing at outdoor cafe’s. The forever laid-back mood of an ocean village, a deep sense of joy, lingering beyond the ups and downs of life. The bells of the tram clinging, as we rode the tracks searching for the buzz of the city, then hurrying back to our house near the sea to nourish our hearts. The sky was always tinged with something more. Deep blue sunrises and blazing red sunsets. Black clouds gathering over the ocean, the thundering sound of waves crashing on storm breakers. The mystery of sea fog rolling in. How it changes your present in the blink of an eye, cloaking everything in mists of dark cold, only to evaporate suddenly, shutting the door to that secret world you were just shown.

We shared the front door to our townhouse with two other tribes. On our floor a closet transformed into a makeshift bathroom, the ritual of cleansing resulting in flooding the entire space. The walls didn’t even try blocking out sounds, cold in winter or heat in summer and happily invited in rain and sand, when the winds blew just so. But the ceilings had no end and the house was filled with love.

Six years after that house became a memory, I open my heart to the land we will soon walk as our own. Guy, Ezra, Beau, Milo & I are limitlessly moving towards the home we have build in our dreams and drawn on paper. Our property will be a walk from the ocean, protected by forests, with an urban buzz near enough. Abundant space for our family home and a guesthouse, for you to set down your suitcase. I see an endless garden, surrounded by tall ancient trees. A community of free spirited humans living in the surrounding properties. Innumerable opportunities for the headquarters of @fellowsforthe.earth and Wild, just minutes away.

Drop me a line when you stumble on our property. I will show you our infinite gratitude by welcoming you as our first guest and celebrate the $&#%£ out of you.

Breathe. Slow down. If I blink one more time,

Breathe.
Slow down.
If I blink one more time, it will be gone.
Your first year with us. Almost one.

Soon you will be walking away from me, not tumbling into my arms.
Then running. Biking. Scooting. Driving. Flying into this life of yours.

My heart beats with pride watching you grow.
My heart floods with tears watching you go.
These heartstrings playing a bittersweet melody.

I am letting you go baby.
Grateful to have been your first home.
I am here baby.
Know I’ll be yours forever more.

Breathe.
Slow down.
You are one.

#motherhood #almostone #doulasupport #birth #sonofmine #notababyanymore

All the gems come to meeeeee ♡ #pyrite #titani

All the gems come to meeeeee ♡

#pyrite #titaniumauraquartz #desertrose #citrine #crystals #crystalhealing #naturesart #ichoose #abundance #andsparkle #librarisingafteral

A trip down memory lane. The old hood, with our ne

A trip down memory lane. The old hood, with our new boys. The Hague. You still feel like home. ♡

#foreverhome #beachlife #dunes #scheveningen #nederlandismooi #strand #wolken #clouds #memorylane #home #thuis

I wish my smile hid something revolutionary, like

I wish my smile hid something revolutionary, like da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. A painted virtual reality, before that became a thing. How her smile moves with your gaze, shifts with your movement. Art, science and illusion combining into a masterpiece that draws in humanity, without any of us understanding why we are enthralled by this teeny tiny canvas lady. Or maybe something mystic. A secret passage to a sacred world. A smile that holds an invocation, a vow, a promise. I wouldn't mind a spiritual vibe. A smile that stands for the depts of our being, the universe incarnate in the folds and curves of a woman’s lips. I'd even settle for some joy. A smile depicting a joyous moment, captured artfully by my lens.

It's none of that though. It's just awkwardness. It's me feeling uncomfortable being in the spotlight. Feeling awkward being seen. I have no idea what to do. So I just stand still and smile. Thinking maybe no one will notice. ♡

I have put my body through hell and back. I have s

I have put my body through hell and back. I have starved her, overfed her, hurt her, shamed her, hid her, ridiculed her, rejected her. I didn’t take care of her. She expressed what raged on the inside by shapeshifting, transforming into everything between an extra small and an extra large. I saw her through eyes full of what we as a society are taught to think of as desirable, setting impossible standards for her. No matter how she looked, she was never good enough, never beautiful to my eyes. I never appreciated the magic that goes on in my body, for her to be able to carry me from one moment to the next.

.....

The gift of an ancient healing prayer, the ho’oponopono.

I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

I whispered these words to my body.
She told me she needs time.
She told me she needs grace.
She told me she needs love.
So I am giving it to her.
I trust her. She knows what she is doing.

….

Today, eight months into being a mother of three, my body is still healing, but most of the pain has gone. My heart is still healing, but most of the pain has gone. I look at my body and my blindfold is off, I truly see her for the first time. She shows the signs of life and creation. She is scarred. She is mother nature’s extraordinary masterpiece. She is enough. I am giving her space to become, to take the shape she longs for in this season of my life. Some days I do better than others, but I owe it to her and myself to keep trying. Because I might be more than she, but she holds all of me.

>>> full story, linkinbio ♡♡♡♡

[@amberdevreng created gorgeous custom art in honour of my moon children. I used the moons in the picture.]

For a long time I ached for this experience. Bein

For a long time I ached for this experience. Being part of life in a monastery, letting the Buddha’s teachings wash over me, adding to my journey of awakening, deepening my practice to still my mind. Hundreds of fellow humans share my longing and have found their way to this sanctuary. They are dressed in colourful wraps, knits and harem pants bought in the tourists markets of Kathmandu, hair tied up in bandana’s and feet sporting sand dusted sandals. Rainbow hippies and soulful yogis. They walk around with subdued, knowing smiles, nodding to each other in recognition, easily bonding. I don’t seem to have gotten the memo on attire and am strutting my stuff in comfy grey sweats and glitter havaianas. Among the devotees I am the only (chocolate coloured) Asian, floating in a sea of western tinted humans. An odd sight as I am currently in the heart of Asia. The monk sitting on the raised platform speaking the dharma this week, is or used to be American. The Tibetan monks keeping to themselves. As I go about my day I see flashes of their life. Washed red robes neatly pinned to lines, floating in the breeze, framed the dreamy blues and greens of the mountains surrounding us. Teenage monks, tying up their long robes around their waist so they can run on a basketball court, hollering at each other while playing the game. A small room overflowing with even younger holy ones, climbing over each other to see the tiny television, giggling in joy. The teeniest ones darting between the sunbathing soul searchers occupying the grounds. Kicking around a ball, until a solemn older monk walks over, glances at them and they run off to continue their antics where western eyes can’t follow. When the prayer bell rings, all the monks journey to the big hall at the heart of the monastery. Even the ones with barely four trips around the sun, race up and morph into serious students of the dharma when they pass the threshold, leaving their vivaciousness in the open air. They’ll ninja kick their way out and breathe it back in, when the doors open again. Because the doors close. The most sacred teachings only for those that pledge their life to being here.

♡Full story > Linkinbio ♡

From this. To that. And back again. #dutchsummer

From this. To that. And back again.

#dutchsummer #zomer #regen #schaduw #shadowplay #shadows #tinyfeet #myboys #mijnjongens #twooutofthree #mudmasters #puddles #plassenstampen #allthemess #letthembelittle #legtattoo

Fragments of a whole. A whole in fragments. ♡

Fragments of a whole. A whole in fragments. ♡

Man of the woods •○ He feels most alive in th

Man of the woods •○

He feels most alive in the midst of soaring mountains. Peaks rising into the sky, clouds cloaking them from sight. Snow and Ice. Sheer unforgiving rock face giving way to trees upon trees upon trees, becoming forests untouched by the ambitions of mankind. Here he resides. The man of the woods. Preferring the wilderness over the cultivated. Revelling in the whispering thunder of nature, running from the screaming silence of manmade jungles.

Come a little closer. Look, there he is. Peacefully breathing in and out, delighting in the crisp morning air. His hands rough from working with the earth, digging deep in the forest floor. You’ll see a serene inviting smile light up his face as you walk up to him. Once you get to know him, you’ll notice his tranquil emotions. Soon he’ll become the rock you always lean on, an unshakeable presence in your life. Taurus Rising. Taurus Moon. His Taurus soul pours out of him and his living peace becomes yours. So much so, you don’t even notice you are only standing at the edge of the woods of this man.

Would he allow you to move deeper into the forest, your world would become darker with every step, trees moving together and growing to impressive heights. Spruce, pine, ginkgo, baobab, palm, sequoia. Miscellaneous trees transform his woods into a place of myths, where wild critters and magical beings roam obscured by dark. This is not a place for the fainthearted. At this point most would call it a day and run back to where the days are brighter. To truly know him, you have to be brave and keep going. This Guy doesn’t have a choice. His essence is hidden in the mysterious darkest parts of the woods, where the trees leave sparse space in the thick canopy for the light to shine through. Solitary glittering rays of sunlight, becoming moving shadows as he goes. A raw place. A sacred place. A private space...

Full artwork, linkinbio.

Ageing is a curious journey. When I turned 20, the

Ageing is a curious journey. When I turned 20, there was rejoicing. A celebration of adulthood, the world is your oyster kind of thing. At 30 the mood started to change. The first mentions of ‘old age’ dropped from the sky. Questions like ‘how are you dealing with turning thirty?’ became a new normal. Fast forward a decade and I am getting apologies for being my age. In our society we are programmed to glorify youth. We spend millions trying to defy the laws of nature and hide away our ancestors in homes not their own. I hear myself cracking jokes about my old hips and realise the dept of the brainwash, because I actually love adding numbers to my years. Not because I care about growing older. But because I care about growing. Every trip around the sun, gives me more of something and deepens this human experience...

...When did I turn 38 though? I remember being a kid and writing people my parents age off as ancient. And now here I am. A parent my parents age. I remember running around town in my mid twenties, greeting the dawn more often than not, pausing to go to my job in between. I’d see forty something humans out and about, my minds eye cloaking them in silence, while delighting in my own vibrance. Nowadays I still chase first light, my sons sprinting ahead as they loudly welcome the new day. My life has done a full 180 and I know now there is nothing silent about this phase of living. The other day I was walking down the street and I came across a group of humans hanging out, instantly going into ‘check out mode’ like you do when you meet peers. Do you acknowledge each other or do you play it cool and walk by with your head held high? And then one of them said ‘hallo mevrouw’. Cue dramatic music. Reality crashed down hard. I saw a flash of myself reflected in a window. Streaks of white in my hair, scars of living on my body. One son hanging on my leg, a second one running off, my third baby in a pram. They are no longer my peers. I have become their ‘mevrouw’...

...Do we all have a forever age? An age we carry in our hearts frozen in time, even as our bodies are painted by our present? What is yours?

Linkinbio for full story.

I am reclining on a not so comfortable chair, whi

I am reclining on a not so comfortable chair, while being voluntarily stabbed with needles for minutes turning into hours turning into forever. Slowly black ink travels under my skin and morphs into beauty, as the paintings of my soul emerge from under the skilled hands of a master of the arts. There is no denying the pain. The exquisite pain of a tattoo coming into being. I listen to the buzz buzz buzz of the needles as every stroke transforms the pain of the journey that got me to this moment in time into glorious art. Every single one of my tattoos is a lesson learned, a story lived, forever part of my soul and now body.

Here’s a secret. Extraordinary pleasure hides beyond the pain. With every new tattoo, when the needle first pierces my skin I have a moment I can’t believe I am here again. My body remembers and tenses, hits its pain limit instantly and wants nothing more than to bolt. But moving will ruin the art, so I focus on sitting still. I close my eyes and remember to breathe. I need to find the zone. After awhile I do and the endorphins take over. My heartbeat slows, my body relaxes. When I open my eyes the world is different. She sparkles deeper, but seems further away at the same time....

....More hours than I can count pass. My skin is swollen and tender and I’m losing grip on my blissful state. The pain comes crashing in. I don’t know how much longer I can sit still. Then suddenly it’s done. The tattoo gun switches off and it feels like the lights come on with it. I’m sitting in a tattoo studio and my newest ink is carefully tended and wrapped up. I say my goodbyes and walk out the door. Those hours so meaningful, already part of my past. I feel like a new woman and as always with fresh art, for a few heartbeats I step into the world self consciously, feeling strong and vulnerable at the same time, my wild heart for the whole world to see. Once a tattoo is done I never look back. It instantly becomes part of who I am. A closing ceremony of sorts. A celebration of the end of an era, as I open up to what is to come.

It’s addictive this journey of drawing on the outside, what is living on the inside....

Full story&art on my website. Linkinbio ♡

Rising Libra. Virgo Moon in the 12th house. Leo Su

Rising Libra. Virgo Moon in the 12th house. Leo Sun in the 10th. Fragments of my whole. Details of the fabric of my being. Some have been companions for a long time, others are starting to find their way to the surface. My stars tell the story of me better than any personality test or theory of the psyche I came across in my past life as a psychologist. Those days are far behind me now. Glancing over my shoulder I can barely see the road that leads back. Looking ahead there isn’t much of a road to discern either. Yet. Crazy 2020 is rolling along and the stars have shifted as they do. Pulling me with them. I am setting out on my next journey, one that is new and uncomfortable to me. To embrace creativity and let it set the pace for my life is wholly out of my comfort zone. But I know that as I start walking, the zone that seems comforting now will be replaced by a new one and then a new one and then more new ones. ♡

On my way. Destination unknown. With my Virgo screaming in my head that I am no way near good enough, having all sorts of anxiety attacks at not being a master of whatever I am doing. My Libra is pretty happy with this exploration of the ways of the arts, but is preoccupied with the ascetics of my gram with this post. My Leo is blazing though, joyous and ecstatic to finally be heard. ♡

The age of the lion. May it be joyful. ♡

Summer. Such a vibe. But which one.. ♡ #summerv

Summer. Such a vibe. But which one.. ♡

#summervibes #summerlove #fortheloveofhearts #goodvibes #athome #becaus2020

'B is for Beau. E is for Ezra. M is for Milo. Ther

'B is for Beau. E is for Ezra. M is for Milo. There is the P!' Impressed I jump in with 'P for Papa!' With a sigh and (full on Aries) backward glance you correct me... 'P is for Penis.' #yesofcourse #youknowbest #twoyearsold #toddlersrock #raisingboys #boymama #myworkhereisdone #justherefortheride #unschooling #homeschooling

Are wild flowers still wild if someone planted the

Are wild flowers still wild if someone planted them....? ♡

#wildwomaninthecity #wildways #thecityearthling #keptmyshoeson #allthebees #stingingnettle

The nerve of summer.. ♡ #howdareshe #mothereart

The nerve of summer.. ♡

#howdareshe #motherearth #atwork #alwayscreating #theextraintheordinary #whatisee

I might have neglected to mention I was pregnant a

I might have neglected to mention I was pregnant and gave birth to our third son. Milo Phoenix was born in the deepest darkness of winter. A stormy night, mirroring a whirlwind birth. He launched himself into this world in less than three hours. Giving me time to catch him, but not much else. Dazed, bewildered, in awe of this new life, we hid from the world for my sacred first 40 days. A challenging time because healing came slowly. A magical time nonetheless, as I learned to honour my body for the gift of three sons and sank deep into those raw, foggy, milk stained days. Those fleeting heartbeats after giving birth when your senses overflow with all of creation and your heart is wide open to the world. The joy. The exhaustion. The pain. The love. New life wiping out your old one, body and soul never the same. Saying goodbye as you learn to say hello. Those days you don’t really remember, but will never forget. ♡

Then 2020 happened. Bushfires, Corona, the biggest civil rights movement in history. And in our little bubble, messy, chaotic days became endless weeks, months. Suddenly Milo is four months young. No longer a drowsy newborn. Big as a bear. Rolling like a boss. Loud like his brothers. ♡

Welcome to the tribe my little aquarian. You have been breathing the winds of change. What a start to this life of yours. ♡

#windsofchange #babyaquarius #aquariusbaby #sacredmotherhood #sacredpostpartum #firstfortydays #first40days #aftergivingbirth #thirdson #perfectlyoutoffocus

"You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
…..
I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone"

I watched the sun come out after the rain, as I walked your sleepy baby brother to dreamland, listening to Tracy sing those words. You were getting dressed to go outside giving me a running commentary on all the things that interest you. A few minutes later I looked up to see you peddle away on your new bike, excited at mastering this new skill and shouting to Beau to go ahead, you’d follow. Face glowing with happiness, your joy casting a fierce light around you, as sure as the sun burning away all those storm clouds a few minutes before. And it sank in for the first time. You turned FOUR yesterday. ♡

Before you I was always running, going somewhere fast. Looking for a place to belong, aching to be enough in a world I felt different. But then you were born. And right in that moment, so was I. These days I am right here. I am here for all the beautiful, messy, (so so) loud days of raising you and your brothers. It has awakened me, changed me. Being a mama truely is a sacred calling and I will forever be honoured to be yours. Happy sun return baby.
#sacredmotherhood #happybirthdaybaby #firstborn #tracychapman

A 'slow' day at home with the boys feels just like

A 'slow' day at home with the boys feels just like it looks... #endlessdays #brothers #alwaysmoving

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